Autism and Me

My journey with a late autism diagnosis

About a year ago, a good friend popped round who I hadn’t seen for a while. We chatted about all sorts of things and then he mentioned that he had started the process of receiving an autism diagnosis. He commented that he’d discovered most of his friends are neurodivergent and that people on the spectrum often naturally find each other. Like birds of a feather flock together 😊.

He named some of the traits of autism and asked me if I resonated with any of them. That led to a playful suggestion to complete an autism questionnaire which I thought would be interesting at the very least. When I got a score of 47 out of 55, I was surprised and yet my intuition and my curiosity had been piqued. The cat was out of the bag on a major aspect of myself that had been completely unknown to me.

It was like the Universe had decided that I was now ready for the next step on my path to greater self-awareness and sent a messenger to show me the way.

With my test results in hand, I went to my GP and described how I identified with so many of the points raised in the Autism Spectrum Quotient and asked for a formal assessment. I was lucky to only wait 10 months for my appointment.

Being diagnosed with Autism at 45 has been a revelation and a continuation in my journey to deepen self-love and connection.

At first it threw me for a loop! Although I knew there was a strong possibility I was neurodivergent, when it was confirmed, I felt it deeply. It felt like everything had changed, and yet everything was the same.

One of the criteria for assessment that made total sense to me was ‘symptoms may not fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities or may be masked by learned strategies.’ The ending of my marriage as you would expect caused me a great deal of pain, grief and heartbreak and was a huge change. However, for me it was more than that. Having spent years trying to fit into social expectations no longer being married meant losing a big part of my ‘mask’.

The predictably, status and security that being in a marriage gave me was ripped away leaving me completely discombobulated. I had to truly face myself for the first time since I was a teenager. It was like standing naked in front of a mirror- I had to look at myself and my traits honestly and accept every detail.

As there is so much emphasis on the deficits and challenges of being autistic, coupled with the diagnostic process being so clinical and medicalised, for a while all these messages fed into a belief there was something ‘wrong’ with me.

I felt overwhelmed and vulnerable. As I became more aware of my difficulties and differences and recognised them as being part of my autism, they seemed to slap me in the face like a wet fish! I imagined having a big neon sign pointing over my head saying “something’s different.”

All of a sudden there was so much to learn and process. My head spun whilst recalibrating how I saw myself, my memories and the world. It literally made me dizzy and I was dysregulated for several weeks. There was sadness and grief too. I questioned whether life would have been different with an earlier diagnosis. Would my marriage have been saved? Would I have had more support and understanding? I reasoned though that it came at the right time and that what had gone before was meant to be.

I didn’t help myself though by trying to learn everything I could as quickly as possible- this was a fear response of the unknown and a familiar pattern in trying to get back to balance and bring some modicum of order back into my life. The belief being if I could be an ‘expert’ or understand it all then I could relax because I would know the answers, the result and be reassuredly certain again.

One telltale sign that I’m in uncertainty mode is the compulsion to watch an entire Netflix or TV series in one sitting so I know what happens at the end!

The main blessing in my diagnosis is I am now finally able to recognise the symptoms of overwhelm and dysregulation and what causes them for me after years of dealing with what I thought was anxiety without a context.

The insights that have come from processing this new information about myself have been incredibly soothing and validating. For so many years I have put huge pressure on myself to ‘fit in’ and to cope with life. All the times I struggled, crumbled and was emotionally dysregulated and putting my symptoms down to being stressed or worse, incapable now had a reason. What I didn’t understand until now is that I was trying to conform to societal expectations and structures that are not friendly to the way I process the world.

My beautiful brain and nervous system are wired in a way that requires quiet and calm like oxygen. I need gentleness, nurturing and compassion to regulate in a fast-paced, noisy and often confusing world.

It is such a relief, in the moments I remember, to slow down and allow myself to receive what I truly need to be myself and to share my gifts. To avoid comparing myself to others and drive in my own lane. The sheer speed of modern life is overwhelming to a lot of people and particularly to the neurodivergent. After attempting to keep up for so long it is taking some adjustment and nudges to go with my flow.

Periods of change, uncertainty and loss (such as a change in identity) can be scary and an uncomfortable place to be. Pressures tend to mount up and feel like they’re coming down on you from all angles like a tonne of bricks. Everything is heightened. Sensory overload can be unbearable and causes much irritation. One small thing that would usually be a walk in the park can trigger distress.

Coming out of this dark, disorientating and confusing tunnel of change into the light of renewed clarity, calm and hope was comforting for me. Like a mole emerging from a hole into brand new surroundings, I can now focus and integrate all the benefits and bounty of being truly me.

Luckily, I have an amazing support network, a scaffold of loving and nurturing people and a generally sunny disposition to get me through the tough experiences in life. I am open minded and have a love of learning which gifts me with awareness and insights I can utilise to enhance my day to day.

I am now embracing and celebrating my different ways of thinking and doing that allow me to release the true power of my autistic mind. Someone said to me recently they consider autism as life’s way of evolving brains to be more intuitive and empathic.

I have certainly found that being met with love, understanding and compassion is deeply nourishing and affirming. It is particularly beautiful when it comes from people that don’t know you well. It gives me hope for humanity.

My mission is to help people cultivate self-love and connection, because I know when we are operating from this state we share our greatest gifts with the world.

With love and hugs